Making Fathers Matter

Ormiston Children and Families Trust, April 1998

Background
Fathers and Family Life
Setting the Agenda
Why Do Fathers Matter?
Making Services Accessible

Background

It is widely acknowledged that men experience greater difficulty in accessing childcare resources and support services and that they are often overlooked in matters concerning their children.

This report is based on a conference, 'Do Fathers Matter - What Matters to Fathers?', hosted by the Ormiston Children and Families Trust in March 1998. The event was convened as the result of a wish amongst Ormiston staff to examine their practice with regard to the access and involvement of fathers within their family support services.

It was intended that the event should have a broad agenda, recognising that all fathers are different and in different life situations. It would avoid focusing on one group or taking the problem-based approach often adopted, e.g. violent men.

The conference would seek to examine ways that groups and organisations who work with families could ensure that they fully take account of fathers' experience and needs.

Delegates included both fathers and professionals representing a range of family support services.

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Fathers and Family Life

Lynda Clarke, Researcher, Family Policy Studies Centre

Fathers are big news, featuring heavily in both public and political debate. Most often the focus is on those living away from their children and who are seen to play a marginal role in their children's upbringing. However more recently there has been a growing preoccupation with what fatherhood means and what a father should or shouldn't do. Lynda Clarke began by setting out the dilemma posed for those wishing to examine this more closely - there is a basic contradiction within current public and political debate about what we want fathers to be.

There can be little doubt that history has seen a significant change in the role of fathers within the family in recent years, with a marked shift from the traditional segregated roles. With increased life expectancy, couples can expect to be together for 50 years.

Lynda Clarke believes that it is the past 15-20 years which have seen the most significant growth of interest in the role of fathers.

Using findings from three cohort studies, she presented the current trends in family make-up and fatherhood, adding that these should be set in the context of the UK which has the highest rate of divorce, highest number of lone parents and highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe. There are now also fewer marriages and more family breakdowns, with 35% of children born outside marriage (although not necessarily outside stable long-term relationships). With regard to fatherhood research shows us that:

Fatherhood is still popular. From a study of men born in 1958, 8 out of 10 were, or wanted to become, fathers
8 out of 10 fathers were living with their children, i.e. most married/cohabiting men lived with their children, although a growing minority (16%) were not
5% of families were lone fathers
Unmarried fathers were more likely to separate from their partners
In the main, young mothers did not continue to live with the fathers of their children
Whilst there was a lot of support for mothers, little exists for fathers

Lynda Clarke pointed out that there were limitations to the research, as the machinery does not exist in the UK for producing detailed statistics regarding men and fathers, e.g. men in the UK are not routinely asked whether they have fathered a child.

Current employment trends show a change in working patterns and the traditional breadwinning role is often played down - in fact men still remain the primary breadwinner in the majority of families and it appears that where mothers do work they are still a secondary earner, supplementing the family income from low-paid jobs. The significance of the male breadwinner is shown when single mothers are found to be amongst the poorest families.

Highlighting the contradiction in society's expectations of fathers, Lynda Clarke used the example of the Child Support Act 1991 which imposes a financial responsibility on fathers for their children, irrespective of marital status, yet unmarried fathers do not have automatic rights of parental responsibility. Here the law makes a distinction between the father's obligation towards his children's care and his right to have contact with them. She stressed that if there is a true social desire for fathers to take on a more nurturing role then policy must reflect that - another example is the absence of a right to paternity leave.

Lynda Clarke concluded by suggesting that fathers need to be more assertive. At a time when fathers are being criticised for not being involved, most services still cater for the needs of mothers. She asked - why aren't fathers being more vociferous, why aren't they arguing their case? Above all she believed that fathers need to look at what potential the future could hold for them - privately, publicly and politically?

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Setting the Agenda

Mike Taylor, Operations Manager, Ormiston Children and Families Trust

This presentation introduced the conference agenda, with Mike Taylor confirming that it would not focus on single issues related to particular groups of fathers. He expressed his concern at the apparent preoccupation with problematic fathers, e.g. fathers and domestic violence, fathers as perpetrators of abuse, or particular groups such as separated fathers, young fathers, lone fathers and male carers - he felt that it may have delayed the development of an understanding of fathers' general experience and support needs.

He noted that the involvement of fathers in everyday practice within family support groups and organisations lags far behind the new focus and findings of current research. He cited the example of a study of young single fathers recently published by the Family Policy Studies Centre, when a number of young fathers were asked who had been most supportive to them or offered the best advice - most of them found the question difficult to answer. None had received any formal support or counselling either before or after the birth of their child. Four of the fathers had attempted to visit parent and toddler groups with their children. None of them found the experience beneficial and reported feeling alienated both from other mothers and the workers. One father also commented:

"I pick our daughter up from nursery some days, but no-one bothers with me. They know I am her dad, but they never tell me what she has been up to or any problems alike."

This experience closely corresponded with a consultation with families in Great Yarmouth two years ago when Ormiston staff interviewed male partners of young women who attended the Girls Friendly Society Young Women's Project in the town. Their views were clear:

"We need a Young Women's Project for men - like a Well Man's Clinic."

"I know a few blokes bringing up children on their own - and for them there's absolutely nothing."

"A Young Fathers' Project could provide childcare for fathers to do courses; It's more difficult for a father to retrain."

"Somewhere where peer support could be offered from one father to another."

The first time that Ormiston worked with fathers in any regular or planned way was in prisons. The development of special children's visits for fathers and their children at HM Prison Whitemoor was followed by running Being a Father in Prison courses for men in Whitemoor, Norwich and Wayland Prisons. Mike Taylor noted that the significance of the course was not only the level of interest that fathers have shown in volunteering to participate, but the difference it has made in helping the men to sustain involvement with their children.

In Ormiston's other community-based projects the level of involvement of fathers varies significantly; consultation with fathers such as that which took place in Great Yarmouth about their own needs remains the exception rather than the norm.

In an effort to identify possible obstacles to father involvement he drew attention to the composition of staff groups as well as the usership in most family groups which is almost exclusively composed of women. There can be a matriarchal feel about the leadership which some fathers find emasculating. He mentioned two male workers in family projects who had spoken of how being treated as an honorary woman has been the only means of acceptance.

Mike acknowledged that many mothers who have been in violent or abusive relationships find a very important element of refuge and safety in family groups; however, we also know that most fathers are not violent or abusive and that many have support needs of their own. And if fathers are not involved when things go wrong it leaves mothers all too often feeling that the failure and the blame are theirs alone. Perhaps it is summed up by a mother at Penn Green Family Centre who said,

"As a mother I would welcome my partner's greater involvement with our children; as a woman I would resent his presence at the Centre."

How the balance can be redressed, creating information and support that is accessible both for mothers and fathers, was to be an important discussion point for the conference. Mike Taylor highlighted some of the potential difficulties, saying that when family centres create fathers' groups as a means of mutual support and solidarity, there is a danger of assuming that fathers have the same or similar needs, which can be met in a single group while at the same time there may be a wide range of programmes open to mothers. In this situation a fathers group can easily remain a fringe and not an integrated element of family support provision.

Other family projects have moved ahead with the appointment of male specialist workers and the development of practice guidelines about involving fathers. The Lawrence Western Family Centre, a Barnardos' Project in Bristol seeks:

To encourage agencies to identify the needs of fathers as well as mothers at the referral stage.
To ensure that fathers are involved at all introductory visits - to offer fathers a range of services at this initial phase.
To offer fathers a range of sources at this initial stage.
To spend individual time to enable fathers to develop a trust with workers before attending the group.

Mike pointed out that many of those attending the event were fathers; many were service providers; some were both - but all shared a third and perhaps more important point of reference - a personal experience of having been fathered. Everyone present would know the meaning of their own fathers, the power and the pain of their presence or absence in our lives.

In conclusion Mike Taylor explained that in staging this conference, Ormiston was not putting forward any view or preference for one kind of family over another. There was no intention to promote the egalitarian family over the traditional or the one parent family over the two parent family. Nor was there any suggestion as to how families best organise themselves. He stated that this conference was underpinned by the belief about the meaning of family as set out in Ormiston's Mission Statement - The definition of a functioning family rests on the quality of mutual support within it rather than on any particular blood tie or structure of relationships - and that meant that taking account of the needs of fathers must be a vital means of enhancing the quality of mutual support in family life.

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Why Do Fathers Matter?

To some this may seem an unnecessary question, but it is essential that we establish why we believe that fathers are important to both their families and to service providers - without that we cannot make a commitment to facilitate change.

From this conference came the recognition that we cannot clearly define what a father is - there are male carers, often with different needs, fathers who seek to retain a more traditional authoritarian and distant role, families with two same-gender parents. Many men only have experience of their own father to draw from. Despite much public reference to the new man, there are few media models for fathers.

Why do Fathers Matter to their Children and Families:

children want their father there
children need to know and understand their roots; knowledge of their father gives them an identity-building their self esteem and sense of self, providing a form of reference for the child as future parent/adult
balanced parenting - the valuable input of male and female perspectives, skills and personal qualities
boys need a role model; equally girls need an opposite gender role to relate to
to balance the level of responsibility within families
the non-involvement of fathers may leave a sense of guilt and rejection with the children feeling that they are to blame
children see mothers as carers, nurturers, reinforcing the stereotype - children need to make the emotional connection with their fathers
fathers can offer added physical dimensions to play
fathers are often the link with the outside world
fathers may be more temperamentally suited to parenting in some families. They can have a compensatory role - making up deficits in parenting skills
"Dads can offer a security blanket - I'll get my dad onto you".
"Kids love dads - dads love kids"
"Fathers matter to mums - kids are hard work."
"Children need to feel normal - most people have fathers."

There was a strong feeling that, above all, fathers are human beings, equally in need of loving relationships, and with a lot to give. Yet they are often undervalued and self confidence remains a major issue for men with the confused messages about what their role should be:

"Men's self esteem could be enhanced if you can get them to believe that it's okay to be nurturing - then boys can learn from men."
"Men are disempowered by the mystique which has been created around nurturing."
"Many men want to nurture and parent but don't feel able to admit it."
"Fathers find the intimacy difficult in face of historical stiff upper lip/macho expectations of men, especially young men."

Why do Fathers Matter to Service Providers?

There are many times when fathers are excluded from consultation on matters concerning their family, especially their children. Most service providers continue to use the mother as the main point of contact with little regard for the fathers' views or needs. This may not be intentional, but results from the mother often being the main carer (especially during service opening hours) and there is belief that as long as one parent is seen, then you have family involvement. If service provision is to be fully accessible to fathers, then we have to identify the reasons why it should happen:

need to consider the whole family perspective when working with children. Fathers offer a different perspective to how a family are doing
may not be fulfilling service objectives by seeing only half the picture
difficulties can be prevented if both parents are involved from the beginning, otherwise storing up problems for the future
children learn from early on that their father matters
to enable a child to be raised within its own family, men are potential carers for their children at all stages
children need all the nurturing they can get
fathers need to be kept involved for consistency
for the development of appropriate and successful service delivery
for accurate assessment - service providers need to see the potential that fathers offer
fathers are a resource both to their families and to service providers
"You are not completely supporting the mother if you ignore the father."
"Kids love their dads - they are not ignoring their dads so neither should we."
"Fathers are best placed to help their sons counter poor group pressures related to early, sexual relationships and responsible parenting - making a difference to the next generation"
"Intimacy is important between fathers and children because we know the outcomes for children of distant father figures."

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Making Services Accessible

There was general agreement that a range of responses is needed if services are to be fully accessible to fathers.

What stops fathers using services?

There can be no doubt that service providers must identify the barriers which exclude fathers by both talking and listening to them. There was agreement that many fathers have a fear of what people think, of not being good enough, but there are some genuine obstacles to be overcome before service providers can offer fathers the contact which will increase their self esteem:

unwelcoming systems
lack of childcare
lack of individual awareness and commitment to making it happen
lack of information about what does exist
lack of positive and appropriate publicity promoting positive fathering
lack of appropriate education for teenagers, especially boys, about positive fathering roles
not enough time or money to involve fathers
professionals still use mothers as point of contact and reference for family
"Men have to become honorary women; It is difficult to enter their network cliques."
"There is a de-skilling of men by women to promote their own competence"

Finding out what Fathers want:

The first task is to find fathers to talk to and then to decide on the most appropriate form of approach. This cannot be based on the experience that services have in gaining the views of mothers. Suggestions from the conference include:

use all possible agencies - e.g. schools, nurseries, family centres, other voluntary organisations, as a way to gain access to fathers
ask dads to ask dads
use mothers as a route to fathers
get out on the street, go to where men are: pub, gym, club - use men's networks, not women's
catch them at the antenatal stage or directly after birth
use questionnaires
draw on other people's experience before choosing your route to fathers
good thoughtful publicity - let fathers know you exist and what you do
talk to families when fathers are there - evenings, weekends, at home
recognise need to vary approach, e.g. to young/teenage fathers

Getting the service right:

The foundations have to be laid in practice if fathers are to gain equal access:

services used predominantly by women must be demystified
employ men as staff and volunteers
train staff in awareness of fathers' issues
improve pay and status of work with young children
work to raise awareness of the importance of fathers with everyone, including families, service users
lead by example and challenge discrimination
remove discrimination based on stereotypes and suspicions
need to change, and balance, the makeup of female dominated staff groups - likely to need positive discrimination for staff recruitment
when programming activities think about including dads
seek funding for this work
attitudinal change for agencies and individuals
change and challenge professional expectations
better publicity for services which do exist, accessible information in workplaces, schools, libraries and the places where men go.
"Fathers need quality time with their children and family centres can provide that with good staff and equipment."
"We must work for a critical mass of men. One or two in each resource are just tokens and change unlikely to result."
"We as workers need to counter the feeling that many man have that we regard them as potential abusers or as potential sexual harassers of women in our projects."
"Professionals from different services must work more effectively together - issue of excluded fathers has parallel with child abuse - we have brought that out into the open. We can talk about it and challenge attitudes to it and work together to prevent it."

Making it okay:

It is important that attention is given to practical ways that fathers can be attracted and welcomed to services:

start on safer ground, e.g. practical tasks, and move things on when fathers feel comfortable

need to use premises flexibly and allow groups to use schools, family centres etc for activities other than the kind of staffed groups traditionally run for mothers

be clear about what is being provided

use written material which includes comments or life experiences from other fathers

let fathers know there will be other like-minded people

if a group already has one man others may join more readily

opportunities for dads to bring children along, but need to recognise that some men find it difficult to play with their children, especially in front of others - consider type of activities carefully

start a men with sons group

convince women of the need to involve men

be positive about being a dad, provide positive images and written material and speak positively

work with schools to get young men/teenagers into family centres, perhaps via art and craft sessions

"We need to build men's confidence in the parenting role, not have them in as an afterthought, e.g. talking to them about their feelings following the birth of a child rather than just letting them hold the baby and be a spectator."

Making the Difference

Bringing people together can make a difference as this event showed - it can change perceptions, challenge stereotypes and facilitate action.

"As a father I learned that I do have some value and that I'm not the only one."

"I have discovered that there are people -and women in particular - who are concerned about the marginalisation of fathers in our society."

On a daily basis we can all make a difference by speaking out and challenging on an individual, local and national level - for the inclusion of fathers, for father-friendly places (e.g. baby-changing facilities to be situated somewhere other than the ladies loo), and for changes to family law covering access, custody and early years policy.

"I want to say to women that this isn't only an issue for men and fathers. We will never achieve true equality outside the home until men have equality within it"

"Men's roles are equally as important in children's lives and expectations as are women's. Two voices are heard a lot louder if two are communicating and establishing a firm base - if that's the way you and your partner want to be."

"...all professions - school, health, leisure, and social workers - need to be delivering a consistent message about children needing fathers in as many different ways as possible."

Ormiston Children and Families Trust April 1998
333 Felixstowe Road, Ipswich IP3 9BU
Tel: 01473 724517

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